Each child has a unique personality, and each will respond to divorce or separation in a different way. The personality and temperament of your child (for instance, when picking up and dropping off) can influence how they react. Other children may find it more difficult to be separated from adults. The history of your family, your child’s friends and school, the community, or even their own circle can influence how they respond to a separation. The information in this section will help you understand how different children react to separation and divorce at various ages.

Three factors that matter to all children no matter what age your child are:

Reducing conflict with the opposite parent. It is crucial to keep your children out of any conflict that may arise during this process. Don't, for example, say anything negative about your child's other parent. It is crucial to keep in mind that even if your younger child does not understand what you are saying, it doesn't make conflict any less real.

Focus on improving your parenting abilities, as single parenting presents different challenges.

Give your kids a chance to develop a good relationship with their other parent. Maintaining effective communication with your ex-partner can go a long way in ensuring that your child's needs are being met. By discussing important events in your child's life and finding common ground, you can create a safe and nurturing environment for them.

Infants and toddlers: birth to 2 years old

Your child's emotional and physical needs are dependent on you at this age. The attachment of your child to the caregivers in his or her life and to other important people is crucial to their emotional and psychological growth. Children under two years old have limited knowledge of the world. You will be unable to explain that you are separating from your spouse or going through a divorce. However, they will sense when you are upset or conflicted. Early experiences in childhood can have a lasting impact on their lives.

Routines and predictability are essential for infants and toddlers. As caregivers, the most important focus should be on nurturing and building emotional bonds with them.

Watch out for these signs in your baby or toddler:

Problems with eating, sleeping and toilet training; clinginess, difficulty in leaving you or withdrawing from social interactions; cry, anger, and tantrums.

What to do if your baby or toddler is having trouble:

Reassure your child that you love him/her and will take good care of him/her; Ask caregivers to tell you if there are any changes that they have noticed in your child; introduce any routine changes as slowly as possible.

Preschoolers: Ages 3-5

Your child will grow both physically and mentally at this age; however, they may not understand divorce or separation. At this age, children see themselves as "the center" of the world. They think they are in control of what happens to them or somehow, when things feel out of control, that it is their fault. They may think that they are responsible for the divorce or separation. They may think they are responsible for their parents' sadness. Children begin to have a different relationship with their parents at this age. Preschoolers are not always able to tell what is real and what is imaginary. They can become confused as to what's happening. They may think that Mom or Dad is leaving. Children at this age can cope with more changes in their social and physical environment than babies, but still require predictability.

Watch out for: Fear of abandonment by either parent or both parents; delays in development, or temporary setbacks in milestones reached (for instance, toileting); clingy or emotionally dependent behaviors or withdrawals; increased anger, screaming, tantrums or whining; physical complaints such as headaches or stomachaches.

Tell your child "I love" them and shower them with affection. Assure them you will not leave them. Helping your child to identify and accept their emotions is important. Explain to them what's happening in a way that is appropriate for their age and development. It is best to start with some basic facts and then add more over time. Ask your children's teachers or caregivers if there are any changes they have noticed in your child.

Children in school: 6-8 years old

At this age, your child begins to develop a social network beyond the family. They may be feeling guilty because they believe they are to blame for the divorce or separation. Your child may take the side of one parent over the other. It is hard for them, in their development, to hold more than one viewpoint at once. Some may fear that they will lose their relationship with a parent. This age group can be more abstract. It is possible that they feel worried and sad about their future. You may be wondering where you will live and who will look after them. It is possible that they have fantasy about the reunion of their parents.

You can look out for these signs in your child of school age: Depression, tears, grief, withdrawal, denial; acting out or tantrums; difficulties playing or having fun; regression, such as a return to an earlier eating or sleeping pattern; physical complaints, like headaches and stomachaches.

How can you help your child? Tell them that they are still loved and cared for; reassure your child that they did nothing wrong, and there's nothing they can do to get their parents together; you can ask teachers or caregivers to tell you if there are any changes that they have noticed in your child.

You can inform them about the changes that will occur in their life (where they'll live, how much time each parent will spend with them, etc.). Acknowledge that certain things are going to change, while others will not. Let them know that together, you will be able to handle each step.

Tell them that they are important but the decision will be made by the parents. Allow them to express their feelings.

Preteens (ages 9-12)

Your preteen is growing more independent. Their focus is more on friends and other people outside of their families. They still need emotional guidance and support from their families. They may be angered by their parent’s decision to separate. Often, they see things in absolutes - black and white, bad or good, right or incorrect. You may feel tempted to rely on your child for help when you are going through a difficult time. Although preteens might want to assume this role, they are not ready to handle this kind of responsibility. This can lead to emotional issues in the future.

Watch out for these signs in your child: social withdrawal, difficulties with friends, joining a new group of peers, anger, aggression, and physical complaints. Do not rely on your preteen to provide emotional support. Don't assign your pre-teen responsibilities inappropriate for their age or stage of development. (For example, giving them too much responsibility in the household).

Teenagers (13-19 years old):

Your teenager will become more independent. Teenagers are more likely to identify with their friends. It's a time when they are forming a new identity, separate from the family. They may also find the teen years confusing as they adjust to social and physical changes. Their family needs to provide them with a lot of support emotionally. Separation and divorce can cause a variety of feelings in teenagers. Teenagers can be shocked that the separation and divorce are happening, or angry at their parents for "not trying harder.” They may be worried or anxious about their parents' divorce or separation. Your teenager may wonder if relationships are worthwhile if they're not going to succeed anyway if their relationship fails.

Your teenager might have specific concerns about the impact of separation or divorce on them. Your teenager may also be wondering how much financial and emotional support you can offer. They may be worried about changing schools because they value their friendships. Some teens worry about not having enough time to spend with friends and activities. Listen to what your teenager has to say about the new schedule. Do not put your teenager in the middle of your conflict with the other parent.

Watch for these signs in your teenager: anger, avoidance, shame or sorrow, changes in sleeping patterns, grief reactions, significant changes to behavior, and acting out with sex or drugs, or crime.

Talk to your teenager about the real issues, such as changes in routines or living arrangements. Your teen should be able to contribute their ideas for a schedule. Make them a part of the conversation. Remind them that parents make all the final decisions.

Do not rely on your teenager for emotional support. Do not put your child in the middle of your dispute. Supporting your teenager's friendships, peer activities, and other appropriate behaviours is important. However, you should also have expectations and limitations.

Final Words

Understanding how children of different ages react to separation and divorce is crucial for effective parental support. Infants and toddlers require consistent care and routines. Preschoolers may exhibit confused, clingy, or withdrawing behaviors; school-age children may struggle with guilt and loyalty conflicts. Pre-teens can feel torn between their parents and show anger or aggression; teenagers may experience various emotions.

Divorce and separation can be a challenging time for families, especially for children. As a parent, it's crucial to create a safe and nurturing environment for your little ones. Open and honest communication is essential while being mindful of their emotional and developmental needs. Remember that your children's well-being is of the utmost importance, so don't hesitate to seek professional support if needed. By being a consistent source of love and support, you can help your children navigate this difficult time with grace and resilience.

Moving on after Divorce or Separation: Strategies for Helping Your Child Adjust to a New Normal